The Last.

Remember the last day we met?

That night, the night I stay awake whole night just to see you sleeping. That was the first time. And also the last time I get to do so.

It doesn't mean much to you. Neither did it meant a lot to me that night. Somehow, something doesn't felt right and all I want to do was to watch you sleeping, and sneaked some kiss. I felt like this time, when we leave each other, it will be a long time till the next one. But little did I know, that was the end to everything.

Remember you did gave me a warm hug, maybe warmest ever that gloomy morning?

" Is this the last time I going to hug you? Don't. Don't let this be the last." You told me.

I cried a lot, your uniform was wet because I cried too much that I couldn't even said "Don't go." to you.

And I hugged you tighter than before, hoping you to know that more than any other day, more than anything, that morning was the only morning I don't want you to leave.

I know its your job. I know its a duty. I honored you and the uniform that you were in that morning. I've screaming inside my heart to not let you left, but we got to do what we got to do.

That was 2 years ago.

I was screaming over the phone. You were cursing out loud. I was crying and you were shouting.

What happened here? What happened to us?

We fought, we cried, we lost, we left.

In the end, we gave up on "our little world", At last, we gave up on all the things that we had dreamed together. We, gave up on each other.

That was a year ago.

Sometimes, we did crawled back to each other. Sometimes, the memory from the past haunting us, keeping us closer than we should be. Sometimes, that feeling just keep coming back.

" If you were the girl from The Vow and had a chance to forget something, what would it be?" I asked you.

"Well, I'll leave it to God. He knows the best." you said.

" But if. If you got the chance to forget one thing, what would it be?" I asked again.

" I want forget the day I shouted at you. I want to say sorry to you and end everything that I shouldn't had started. I will value you. I will wait for you and marry you." You said.

That was few days ago.

From one year, to two years and to now, I am still that same girl that hoping for everything to come back as normal.  Hoping that this was my nightmare and soon I will wake up from it.

" I must fall asleep while watching him sleeping, don't I? This must be a dream. It's still the same night before the last day we met, isn't it?" and tears rushed down my cheek.

" I don't want any of this. I don't want to be in this situation!" You told  me over the phone after the misery weekend.

I might doesn't get what do you meant by it, literally. In my understanding, well, you don't want us to stop talking to each other. You don't want us to wave each other goodbye no matter how time flies. But thinking of it again, I guess, you prioritize her more than me, and I am always your option. I guess, what you really meant by it was you don't want to see her hurting herself again because of us. You don't want to take the blame anymore.

" Let's make this end. Let's just stop contacting each other and that is how it should be done since long time ago. Let's pretend not to know each other if we passed by each other." I said.

I hold my pride, you know? I never said how much I miss seeing you, seeing us together, but I guess this is what we got to do.

And here I go again. Rambling in my blog hoping you going to read this.

"But you got someone else! You took photo with him! You dated him." you screamed.

And I wish, moving on was that easy. It was easy for you, but so hard for me. Its like I've chained, and I keep coming back to us, to our old memory. To put back that ring on my finger, reminding myself that this is us.

I wish you see. That I still live under the shadow of 'us' and he is still so stranger to me. He came at the right time, the right situation to mend my broken pieces. But you know, I don't deserve a great man like that.

I dreamed a lot about a guy since I was little. My prince charming, he was taller than me, pretty smile, but a blurry features. I saw him wearing glasses, but it was so blur that I can't really tell how he looks like. But look was not all of it. He was funny, he makes me laugh all the times, and often times, I saw myself walking hands in hands with him in a garden.He was protective, he made me feel secure. He was gentleman, and I am his lady. For so many years, I thought it was you. With our "own little world", you seems to fit in the descriptions perfectly.

Our hearts can cheat. That's what I learnt recently. I lied so many times to you saying that I didn't need you anymore, but it just makes things worse.

I know I should give up. Let's help each other starts from now on. Let's say goodbye for real now, and soon enough, I will meet you in heaven?

So be a good boy. Be a responsible man. A faithful servant. A loving husband. The best daddy. An obedient son.

You know I love you. And I always do.